I miss...

• my innocence - my ability to laugh at the most stupidest thing on earth, my ability to blush on the silliest remarks made at me and my ability of understanding where everything and anything would simply surprise me.

• being just called by my name and not having the slightest knowledge about something called 'bitching.'

• having those times when the clock stroke 7 pm and with that ma would say 'porte bosho.'

• having home works and not assignments or meeting deadlines.

• those birthdays with simple chocolate 'Monginis' cake, yet to be replaced by 'Cookie Jar' or the so called French Bakery.

• going to the 'parar dokan' with my father and choosing chocolates. Mostly, it was always Milky Bar.

• holding my grandfathers hand at the 'maches bajar' and watch him delightfully bargain with the fish mongers just to get the best fish.

• how every Sunday morning my father would get 'bode,' the best I ever had, with luchi.

• my grandfather giving me 10 Rs. for having a chicken roll.

• going to the post office with him and getting a particular sweet for 50 p which made me the happiest little child.

• watching 'Raja and Rancho' with my grandmother in a small black and white television.

• getting jealous of my brother when my father brought him a cell phone - the first ever in our family.

• the radio being played every morning.

• my Cherry running behind my grandmother for a piece of cucumber, right after she came out  of the Puja room.

• having the best friendships in the world

• myself not being judgmental.

• not being figure conscious.

• those times, when friends would pat each others back and say, 'its ok to fail re...no big issue.'

• wearing my school uniform.

• my meaningless laughter.

• the thrill of having the first cell phone ever.

• the blush and smile while watching romantic films of Shrarukh Khan...candy floss romance were so real, sudden singing and dancing were so much fun.

• loving the pink color.

• the incessant puja hopping and gorging on the endless number of chicken rolls.

• bunking classes and watching the morning shows at the Inox, just because the price of the tickets were low.

• the undying value of 100 Rs on our lives.

• pen and paper.

• book stores and smell of books (now since everything is online).

• my Walkman and the innumerable audio cassettes.

•  the sleeper class in trains
• Growing up.                                                         ...................The List is endless                                                                                                                                                                 

Films that touch your Heart Part II, (Chitrangada, 2012)

I am a hardcore movie buff and not just one movie but of every movie. I watch for them fun to relax and also most definitely to get moved. In my life, it is my sheer luck that I have come across some of the spectacular movies from round the world and I think watching movies is a must for everyone if you want to enrich your taste. Most importantly, movies gets you to travel round the world without a visa and passport. In my opinion, you can also speculate a person's character by the choice of his movies - if you ask me, my all time favorite  is Revolutionary Road, and yes you got it right, I dislike romantic ones from the core of my heart, unless I am in a mood to waste my time and won't repent it for sure, then probably a rom - com chick flick starring mindless grits is just fine. What instigated me to write this blog is in absolute sheer necessity to let the world know about this movie that I chanced upon, which is in my mother tongue, and I believe most of my bengali friends have already witnessed it, and I being the unlucky one living outside my Kolkata for quite sometime, only got my hands on it through torrent. That is my dear friend, is Rituparno Ghosh's Chitrangada. I had an almost head pounding day and I decided to end it with a movie only hoping that like my supervisor, this also should not disappoint me and boy I was so relieved. People who have seen it and liked it a biiiig thumps up to you, people who have seen it and din't like it a biiiiiiig 'what d fuck' look and the people who have seen it and din't understand it a biiiiig 'urge to go and see it again' look. Whoever is reading this blog I might just add, that this is not a review of the film. It is just an endeavor from my side to share my feelings and views. Its in no way objective.
               I did not think I could seat with a bowl of popcorn and munch my way out. The film is hard hitting and am sooo proud that such an amazing and thought provoking film is made in bengali. It only proves how regional films are so so far ahead than our Bollywood. Chitrangada is my own personal favorite among Tagore's dance dramas, and I have myself portrayed the role of Kurupa and Arjun innumerable times (wonder why not Shurupa...hmmm) and I am glad, that Rituparna did justice with the subject. This is not a love story, neither it is about homosexuality or gays or sex. Chitrangada is a film about individuality, about ones own deepest choices about ones own desires. It is a film about how we make certain choices in our life and in which conditions it gets induced. Rudra is a choreographer who is controlled, strong, and powerful and Partho is his lover who is a lost percussionist  untamed, uncontrolled and unloved. Its like the meeting of the north and south pole...but it did meet. Rudra had the every quality of a star but he does not want to surrender whereas Partho is a tame less junkie who wants to surrender. The love that is shown , full of passion and emotions in every step about their lives. Ultimately, with the situation and Partho's happiness Rudra has to make a choice...a decision which altered everything that he had. You, know  I thought for a moment what could make a strong personality like Rudra to take a drastic decision of sex change and I realized its plain and simple love. You know, its one of those times, when many of us has taken certain decisions and has done adjustments not for ourselves but so enamored by love that it seemed the right thing to do... definitely for the other....after all love indeed is wild and blind...!! It is very similar to the real Chitrangada who too wanted to change herself...from the manly hunter to the epitome of beauty..only to be accepted by Arjun. We say times have changed but when in love time stands still. Its like Chitrangada is always the same; whether in 21st century or in the times of the Mahabharata.

                         The question however remains whether the decision is right or wrong? But who shall give that answer ? Who shall bear the responsibility of Chitrangada from a male to a female ? Or more importantly, how well will she be accepted ? I loved the way how the parents were shown. Their transition was bouncy, but not consists of screams and cries. Actually, to be frank, it is rightly understood that there is nothing as 'normal.' Normal can be anything. A beggar licking his food from his plate is normal and so  a man with womanly distinctiveness. A body does not personify a personality. A body is a simple entity which is given by the almighty to be visible in the world. A personality is what we build up. Me is not my body but my personality. But i believe we have to go a loooong way to judge a person only by his or her personality and not body. Rudra's decision of becoming a woman was only to have legal rights on adopting a child with Partho. Its not like Rudra was unhappy being a man nor was he unsatisfied...but Partho and his feelings towards him induced him to take the decision of transforming himself into a woman. But that still did not satisfy him as he went ahead and decided to be with a 'real woman'. Real why..? because she was born with a vagina and breasts...no synthetic...but  natural ones.
                           Rudra did not become a woman. Partho left for other option. But like Chitrangada, Rudra also decided to be the Kurupa, because thats what his mind decided to be. Movies like these, makes you realize that there are so many unattended issues in India that requires our attention. How do you decide to transform your body ? And what social norms one should follow ? Who decides these social norms ? I was bowled by the scene when his parents came down to see him at the hospital, and how lovingly his father hugged him and said, " come back home. Your mother has re decorated your room with new curtains." Acceptance is the biggest power that god has given us, but the most difficult one. Rudra did not care whether his parents accepts his new self or not but their acceptance indeed increased his confidence. I simply adored the scene. It has the deepness and an uncanny silence which so evidently reaches the audience. I hope such films are made more often and nurtures our mind. Its like we are continuously being conditioned to be someone and it becomes difficult for us to fathom as to decipher what we really want. This conditioning becomes permanent  and any alterations will be witnessed with raised eyebrows.
                     Watch the film, try it out at least once. Don't just discard it as obnoxious. It will make you think. But unless you are like my aunt whose reaction was ' ki jata...esober kono mane ache....uuufff...matha dhore gelo...' then its best to avoid. I love Rituparno...and am sure so will you...till then...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7prDTZhwA8U 

Its Different...

I did not have the intention to write this blog, especially at this moment, when I think I am sinking beneath all my pending works, and also when I see some more coming towards me. But somehow, something unseen instigated me and here I am collecting all my thoughts and penning down whatever that is possible. We all see dreams and out of those innumerable ones, there is always one very specific that remains with us which we aspire to achieve one day, and no matter what, we do not leave any stone unturn to nurture that. There are innumerable jokes concerning the full form of PhD...one popular being 'Permanent Head Damage or 'Passed High School with Difficulty.' (Yes it is funny...indeed). Pizza hut even came up with their own version; as Pizza Home Delivery. But for us, who have taken the oath of fulfilling the uncountable assignments and meeting deadlines, the term definitely does not hold the same. It is far more deeper than what normally is understood. It is a job for 24 X 7, where there are no scheduled breaks...no scheduled holidays...nor scheduled pay checks. So the question remains what then you have?? I am not the right one to give a constructive answer to this...but yes we have one thing which probably today a lot of people lacks...A LIFE..! Again, don't mistake me when I say this, as we all know no ones life is perfect. You gotta take everything with a pinch of salt. So basically what is PhD ?? You are given 4 to 5 years, with everything that you require and come up with something absolutely original. You think that is easy??? Try leaving your high collar job, living on something called 'stipend' and not salary and doing this.It indeed is a challenge. Everyone of us who are right now in their PhD years or the ones who already has the name tag, will agree with me that we are special. Please, that however does not mean that we are 'god's special child' or moreover 'god's favorite child.' No absolutely not. We are special because we all are idiot enough to leave something so lucrative that would have set your life forever. But no, we had to come here, be in the world of PhDs and get regular police interrogation from your parents. Yes, we are different ! We are probably the only adults in the world who can afford to get up in a Monday morning at 10 am and still not get penalized, we are also the only ones who does not have to see the boss's face everyday (but there shall always be an unseen string which will inevitably pull you around) and we are definitely the only ones who have the highest access to free food ! So you see, its not easy to have a Permanent Head Damage, however. One thing that god gives us with both hands is Patience. But however, if seen from the other side, I guess you have to have patience, because you don't have a choice. I mean even an impatient and psychotic person like me, is eventually filled up with too much of patience that you practically turned stoic. Yes, your nervous system will die slowly and the sense organs will scream and cry and say 'sorry but we can't react anymore....give us a break.' Probably you would start relating yourself with Camus's Outsider. But hey...! Do not worry, because in PhD, this is 'normal.' You are ultimately coming in the ZONE. Hmmmph...!
                       Our laptops and computers are our lives. All the Lenovos and Compaqs and Hps even Microsoft should honor us, as we take them in living forms.We believe they too have emotions, sentiments, and whom do you punch, when that right sentence does not come correctly ??? Of course your beloved laptop, because you know it will never retort you back. So, its a request...take care of your beloved by regular servicing..!! The most exciting part in a PhD life, is that it differs from person to person. There is no objective view, or any theoretical framework (oopss) that can sufficiently suffice or explain why it is so. We are always taught to answer this basic question...SO WHAT, but the funny part remains that the answer to this question if concerning your own life, does not necessary be sublime. Its HELL in one word. The  interesting element is your supervisor, or guide, or mentor, or boss...or your Biggest enemy..!! Now thats what you call is 'irony.' He or she will most definitely have the most inquisitive look, you will ever come across and shall retain that even when you are done speaking, wondering whether to proceed or not, when you shall have an abrupt end to your valuable thought process with the most significant question ever, coming from the other side...'SO??' And you shall be like...'wooooww the last 10 mins were sooo meaningless.' Being dumb is also not a choice, because if you are quite you shall be bombarded with so many words, half of which shall be Hebrew to you, and without much understanding your head will simply nod. And if you have happened to cross that stage, then welcome to the next one...i.e. choosing your externals. Now, for sure that creature from any distinct planet will always disagree with your boss, and you shall be at the loggers head...Who said its always MBA who teaches you to be diplomatic...??? So by 4 yrs your Yess and Nos shall comprise of May be or I shall keep it in mind. Thats the best way to deal with the questions or comments coming back to you. I liked the PhD movie quite a bit. I won't say it entirely depicts the reality of our lives but that has something close to it. I wonder why isn't Madhur Bhandarkar listening ? If he thinks that academics does not have gossip, he is in for a shock. Academics is much more murkier. The one who lives it will know the best...but I guess its true for every profession. But ours is indeed different.
               Be that as it may, but there is something really unique that PhD offers you which probably any CEO of a company will not achieve. Friendships, Motives, Power and most importantly 'Dr.' No matter where  you are or what you are doing nothing can take away this two lettered word, which would remain till your end...in the truest sense of the term 'death do us part.' It shall build your identity. You will made some amazing friends who will see you rise up and catch you when you will fall....who shall really pat your back and say that things will be all right, of course there shall be occasional black sheeps, but you obviously know how to handle them. There is salt but there is sugar too. So to all my PhD friends....we are truly GREAT..!! So may all the Doctors come through..!!!